I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
