someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
