that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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