Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize