I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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