Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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