I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
