So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
