Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
do herpes really smell.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
