Just cropdusted the office
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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