you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
