i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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