the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
