just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
