Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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