Screwed.edu
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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