I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
