did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
