I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
