I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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