Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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