I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Sext me about skeletons
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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