i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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