I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
