"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
