Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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