I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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