Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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