Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
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In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
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His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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