have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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