I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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