apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
