I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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