I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
