took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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