sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
