She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
