I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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