she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
this just has baby written all over it
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
