Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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