All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
