Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
