if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
