I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
