Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
