Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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