Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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