Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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