I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
