Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jerry, you need to find god
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
