he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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