Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
