i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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