it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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