They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I cut my penus on the lid.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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