just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
